Oh, every now and then I have actually come up with something good, like this:
She commanded respect even if she was as crazy as a painted desert lizard, running in circles, dizzy from the hot sun.
-- from my book Dreams
I was so proud of myself for that one, but my first-line editor (my husband TJ) said, "For once, you have a great metaphor, but it interrupts the flow of the paragraph." A tangent, he said. Great. Just great. My first good metaphor and I have to cut it.
Well, I didn't cut it. I reworked the rest of the paragraph to make it fit rather than it being a tangent and a distraction.
So this is a contest for writing the worst metaphors and similes. Maybe, subconsciously, it's a way to make me feel better. But honestly, I just mean for us to have a lot of fun. This contest is meant to make people laugh, so write the silliest, the most horrible, the most ridiculous metaphors ever.
1. The competition is open to a paragraph containing a metaphor or simile.
2. Submit as many entries as you want.
3. All entries must be in English, original, unpublished, and not submitted or accepted elsewhere at the time of submission. CYA maneuver.
4. To enter the contest, post a comment with your entry and then email me your mailing address to email@example.com along with an author's bio. In case you win, I'll need this to send you your prize and to post some information about you.
5. Entries must be submitted by midnight Tuesday, September 1, 2009.
6. I will choose several of my favorite entries and allow readers to vote to determine the winners. Voting will start Tuesday, September 8, 2009, and run to midnight Thursday, September 10, 2009.
7. Winners will be announced on this blog by Monday, September 14, 2009.
8. The first-prize winner will be determined by the entry with the most votes. The winner will receive the games Munchkin Fu & Munchkin Fu 2: Monkey Business as well as free publicity by having the winning entry and author's bio posted on my blog.
9. The second-prize winner will be determined by the entry with the second-most votes. The winner will receive the game Munchkin Booty as well as free publicity by having the winning entry and author's bio posted on my blog.
10. The runner-ups will be determined by any entry that I enjoyed but did not receive the top votes. All runner-ups will have free publicity by having their entry and author's bio posted on my blog.