Vote for Your Favorite Monkey!

I have 4 monkeys--er, I mean, finalists--and 5 entries for you to vote on. Voting starts Thursday, September 3rd and will run until midnight on Thursday, September 10th.

Everybody gets one vote, so use it wisely. If you think yours is the best, then by all means vote for yourself. The point is you do only have one vote, so please be honest. This is for prosperity after all.

Lauren's 1st Entry

Dennis walked down the hall, like a man cruising a corridor. He reached the door, its hinges shining in the moonlight as if illuminated by a reflected glow. He grasped for the knob searching like a virgin lover. When he finally found the knob he let out a sigh like an asthmatic. He gently pushed on the door like a roll of toothpaste, and squeezed himself into the room as if being born. The room was empty save a small glass bowl that lingered tauntingly on the floor. A puddle of water purged like a bulimic from the bowls lip.


Lauren's 2nd Entry

All the world’s a piss bucket and all the men and women in it merely a pile of excrement. They have their entrances and exits, and have somehow been processed and left decaying along the way. Were we to attempt an entrance through an exit we would be blocked by the flurry descending upon us, and pressed further into the bucket. The future for us is inevitable; we are to become a mass of putridity fit for a king.


Wendy S.

Renee watched the hot tub jets froth beneath the surface, a swirling toilet bowl of relaxation. Across the room, the Men’s room door opened and a massive man stepped out, like some fat guy who just arrived. As graceful as a walrus shoehorned into a tutu, his blubber rippled with every step. Unwrapping his towel, he let it fall to the floor, a discarded wrapper from the mother of all Twinkies. Slipping into the water, his limbs bobbed to the surface, his feet like buoys topped with a line of engorged maggots. The hot tub over ran like a cup that runneth over except for bigger, and with more water. Backing out in a hurry, like a person scared sh**less, Renee stared in horror at his chest hair, a waving mass of seaweed that floated out from his body like so many dead flies. Now, with the water having as much appeal as toxic waste, she hurried to the changing room and lay steaming on the bench like a fresh pile of manure.


D.B. Pacini

“Pantene,” she sighed apologetically, “to feel your smooth fingers weaving untangled through my silky manageable hair, like golden sunlight quivering through tree branches, to feel your moisturizing lips upon my scalp, like morning dew kissing a rose, to feel your thick richness dripping upon my shoulder, like jam on the chin of a toddler eating a piece of toast, to believe in your promise to make me as beautiful as a dove flying beside a purple lilac bush, to sleep with your intoxicating scent in my tresses, like the smell of nature’s breath in a meadow of wild flowers, it is simply not possible Pantene, my preference is L’Oreal, because I’m worth it.”


Phyllis K. Twombly

My simian simile is like a wee little monkey
With the jittery java jive of the capuchin, oh.
You'll be agog and agape and you might go ape
Once snappy words, like pooh, start to fly to and fro.

18 comments:

  1. like i said before can not justify voting for myself, it's a character flaw, so i'm gonna vote for wendy... but if she has the same flaw then i guess our votes cancel each other out... hmmm i see a flaw in the democratic process... i'm kidding of course.

    lauren's vote for wendy.

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  2. Hey, I was too distracted and didn't make the deadline. But I wouldn't have come up with anything as good as the entries posted. Here's my problem WEndy and Lauren are both very good. I'm torn between the two.
    You guys write like people who write all the time. Your words drop into my brain like snot from a child's nose in the winter. I laughed like a person who needs more medication and then I cried because I had none.
    Being compared with a pile of pooh was like being compared with um...pooh. Lauren also included pooh in her metaphor which brought them neck and neck again. Oh how do I decide?
    I stuck their names in a hat, shook it around and picked on out, like a big booger stuck high inside my nose. I didn't want to pick it, but I had to in order to get rid of the job. (of voting)

    So, the name I chose was Wendy's. My vote therefore is for Wendy. I know my voting process is flawed but when they are both equally awesome in my mind, it was all that I could think of. Plus I'm having a rough day here people, like someone who is nearly out of toilet paper but can't get to the store so is now using paper towel. Ouch!

    I better not get bumped this time.

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  3. The virgin lover one is hilariously awful. It's especially awful because I can so clearly envision it printed in some terribly trashy novel with Fabio on the jacket.

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  4. Pacini's "your thick richness dripping upon my shoulder," did it for me, though I wonder what would madam be thinking as she wrote...

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  5. Lauren's first entry is what set me to thinking of writing more than just one sentance. Without her genius, we would be full of one liners- like people who only can think of one line. So, my vote is for Lauren.

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  6. So I believe that the current status is as follows:

    Lauren - 3
    Wendy - 2
    D.B. - 1
    Phyllis - 0

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  7. Now for my entry but not for voting...

    Here I sit, brokenhearted. Thought I'd shit, but I farted. Contemplation wafting like a fresh dump left to stew in the toilet. The Roto-Rooter Man would waive the white flag; pleading for his life as the fumes consume him and make the paint peel. Coming to grips with his own mortality, he realizes he has as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. he gasps and chokes as if choking his chicken wasn't enough. He remembers the famous words of William "Pull-My-Finger" Shakespeare, "Farting is such sweet sorrow."

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  8. So now the score is:

    Lauren - 3
    Wendy - 3
    D.B. - 1
    Phyllis - 0

    So now we have a tie!

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  9. Though I liked Phyllis's entry, my vote certainly goes to D.B. Pacini's--such beauty! :)

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  10. Wow, this is a close race:

    Lauren - 3
    Wendy - 3
    D.B. - 2
    Phyllis - 0

    At this point, anybody could still win.

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  11. I have to vote for Wendy. It was a very tough choice, but I think the opening and closing lines were too good to resist. "Renee watched the hot tub jets froth beneath the surface, a swirling toilet bowl of relaxation." and "Now, with the water having as much appeal as toxic waste, she hurried to the changing room and lay steaming on the bench like a fresh pile of manure."
    The visualization invoked by these words are just priceless.

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  12. The 1st place winner is Wendy with the Lauren in 2nd place:

    Lauren - 3
    Wendy - 4
    D.B. - 2
    Phyllis - 0

    Close race. Thanks for taking part. I will have a formal announcement up soon with information about the contestants.

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  13. Thanks Rita, I just got the game today. It was a bright spot in my otherwise busy/stressful day.

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  14. A mystery box arrived on my house last week, and Jeff thought I had been shopping and didn't tell me about it, a couple of days ago, he was like... oh you got a delivery, and i opened it and was like... oh my god, i have no idea what this is, and he was like yeah right, and i was like no seriously i haven't bought anything and he was like uh huh, and there was a monkey game inside, i didn't even know i placed, damn school and business. any way i think i am all valley girled out, thank you rita for having contests, cause when you win you get a happy little surprise in the mail.

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  15. I think it made my day to know that I did something that made somebody's day! I hope you enjoy Munchkin Booty, but in this case, you have pirates instead of monkeys.

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  16. Of all your contests, this was still my favorite. What fun to write terribly on purpose!

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