Christmas Contest Runner-Ups

Lauren Stone

Lauren's writing always makes me smile. To her, nothing is sacred. Whether it is the most popular book on the market today or our favorite family Christmas traditions, she turns everything on its head and forces us to challenge our most sacred beliefs.

You can follow Lauren on her blog.

Song: Parody of the Night Before Christmas
T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except Aunt Doreen, snorting coke off her dealer Mouse.
Uncle Thomas was sleeping, passed out in a haze,
while empty beer bottles flew about with malaise.
Cousin Jimmy was crying, his father was cruel,
before going to bed he smeared him with stool.
The feces and liquor permeating the air,
gave tidings of reindeer too weak to repair.
Our fathers were hunters and republicans too.
They shot that poor Rudolf, cause he was a Jew.
“Commie bastard,” they wailed into the night,
“Come here, and I’ll teach you the real meaning of fright.”
So I lie on the floor in my sack made of nylon
and pray for the morning and its sun to shine on.
My dysfunctional family all round the tree,
opening presents while grandma screams, “God dammit, I have to pee.”

S.M. Carrière

Born in 1983 to an Austrlian mother and a Canadian father in Quito, Ecuador, S.M. Carrière was the third child of four and the last girl born. She has lived in many countries, including Ecuadon, Gabon and the Philippines, but was raised primarily in Australia. In 2001, she moved to Canada where she currently resides.

Travelling as much as she has while still very young, while sometimes lonely, has afforded her a unique and inclusive persepective on life - something she carries with pride.

Considered something of an eccentric by many friends (though she thinks she is too young yet to be called 'eccentric'), she has a variety of hobbies ranging from the physical challenges of Martial Arts and Equestrian Archery to the gentler pursuits of photography, drawing and painting. It is in writing, however, the she has found her passion.

She is, as yet, unpublished, but hopes to be soon.

Song: Parody of Ding Dong Merrily On High
Ding, dong merrily we're high
In our heads bells are ringing.
Ding, dong eating a whole pie
While praises we are singing.
Gloria, Marijuana in excess!

E'en so into bong we blow
Let stoner's talk be stumblin'
And "io, io, io!"
By priests and people sungen.
Gloria, Marijuana in excess!

Pray you dutifully inhale
Your morning puff, ye smokers.
May you beautifully exhale
Your evening bud, ye tokers.
Gloria, Marijuana in excess!

The Brit

Co-conspirator on the Search for CJ, a contributing author to the anothology Ménage à 20, business woman, doctor, The Brit has awed me with the sheer magnitude with which she tackles the world. I felt honored to have her contribute a song.

Song: Another Parody of Twas the Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas when the temperature dropped, to thirty below,
and then the water stopped.

As the pipes burst below, there arose such a clatter, then the furnace blew up! Now what was the matter?

He tried to light the fireplace, but the flue had rusted in, so he banged and pounded until it swung in, raining dozens of birds nests... and an empty bottle of Gallo Cafe Zin.

In the midst of this trial the circuits arced out, just as the water heater screamed like a tea kettle spout.

Up to the roof, he shot with all speed, to confront that old fart about his joke.

Indeed, he intended to confront the old hoke, when two steps from the top, the ladder rungs broke.

He fell into his pool as the water disappeared, through a crack in the earth... could it get any more weird?

Then from down on the street he heard the laughter of the Kringle.

As his house burned to the ground, the sleigh bells did jingle.

When his brand-new ferrari drove out of sight, his iPhone beeped, and to our delight...

The text message said; You're fired you schmuck.
Your insurance's been cancelled and you're now out'a luck.

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