Editing the Ego Out of Your Work, Part 3

You've written your first draft; you've added texture with the 5 senses. Now it's time to clean up the dialog.

Here's the rules as I follow them:

1. Group the dialog.
2. Group the action; try not to interrupt the natural flow of conversation.
3. Keep the tags to a minimum.
4. Don't let tagless conversation go longer than 4 lines.
5. Keep the character voices unique.

When I read, my eyes slide over the tags. Most of the time, I know who is talking by context and voice. In the passage below, I set the set the stage with some description and action, and at the end, I add some internal commentary to solidify the scene in the reader's mind.

In the middle, the dialog speaks for itself.

Rising to my feet, I face her. Her bald head, freckles, and dark eyes--it's like looking in a mirror. But she wears the blue uniform of an elite soldier. I wear the white scrubs of a patient. Jadon folds her arms across her chest; lips press together; chin juts out. Not one emotion flickers across her face as she studies me.

Fidgeting, I glance away. “The dragon told me to.”

“That’s what you told me last time.”

“I had to come.”

“Father will kill you if he finds out.” If her face wasn’t made of stone, she would be frowning at me.

But I know she is right. Favorite project or not, he won’t let me live if he can’t control me. Should I be afraid? Could death be any worse than living here, in the army’s barracks? Or am I already dead? I’m not really sure. I could be.

Tattletale Writing

"Show, don't tell," is the advice tossed to new writers like dirty bath towels.

In fact, when I was a new writer, I scattered that same advice to other new writers. I thought I knew what I was talking about. Boy, was I clueless.

Personally, I think the terms "show" and "tell" confuse and muddle the issue. What does it mean? How do you do it? Showing dramatizes. Telling summarizes. Showing takes me on vacation with you; I can taste it, smell it, breathe it. Telling gives me the slide show presentation; I yawn and fall asleep.

Avoid passive and weak verbs.
Verbs, such as was, were, had, would, seeemed, and appeared, clue you into your telling passages.

Example of Passive Verbs: The man was walking down the hall. Marie was hiding in the closet. She was frightened.

Example of Strong Verbs: Footsteps thudded in the hall. Shaking, Marie shrank deeper into the darkness of the closet.

What did I change? The verbs. I focused on stronger verb choices (thudded, shaking, shrank) instead of weaker, passive ones (was walking, was hiding, was frightened). To support stronger verbs, the patterns of my sentences had to also change, allowing for more fluid wording throughout the paragraph.

Sink deeper into your character.
The deeper you go into your character's point of view (POV), the more sensation your readers will feel.

Example from above: Footsteps thudded in the hall. Shaking, Marie shrank deeper into the darkness of the closet.

Example with POV sensations added: Footsteps thudded in the hall, echoing in Marie's ears like hammers striking her heart. Cold sweat dripped down her back and chilled her to the bone. Shaking, Marie shrank deeper into the darkness of the closet. She held her breath. If only he would pass her by...

I added the physical sensations and the internal dialog that went with the actions. No longer do the footsteps just thud; now they vibrate off the page.

Watch flashbacks and time speeds.
You don't want to put all of your back history in the first paragraphs. Often, it's better to intersperse flashbacks with real-time events. However, flashbacks can also be sink holes, tugging your prose down into the miry muck.

The book Princess Ben was a cute story, but I couldn't stand reading it. The entire story from beginning to end was a flashback. Nothing was told as if it was currently being experienced. There was a lot of "This had happened, and I should have done this. But I didn't, so I got in a lot of trouble."

The word "had" pulled the story out of the real-time feel and annoyed the hell out of me. Another word that does this is "would." Rather than a flashback, it's a time speed word. It's used to describe many days as one event. "When he got home from work, he would hug, then get a beer, and plop in front of the tube." It's an every day event.

Too much of either--or worse, both--and your story has problems.

Cut extraneous words.
We all have them--words or phrases we overuse or don't need. The more we have, the heavier the story. Kinda like fat. I discovered that I had a tendency to say "started" frequently. "He started to run" or "he started to say" instead of "he ran" or "he said."

Other words I overused: just, all, every, saw, looked, heard. Adverbs are especially bad. They don't often add much to the story, but they fall in so easily. Yet, without them, they make for a cleaner story.

How do learn your word weaknesses? You find quality editors, friends who also seek to be better writers, and you edit stories for others. The practice of cutting through the writing of others and of reviewing of what other people caught in your writing opens your eyes.

Tell well, advised Elizabeth Lyon in the book Manuscript Makeover.
Dramatize every stroke of a hairbrush, every butt wipe, every cloud in the sky, every step down the corridor, and you move from great to ridiculous. If the action has no relevance to the story, then summarize and move on. The trick is to tell well by adding personality and intersperse your telling with showing.

Examples:

I was scared shitless. (Telling, yes, but the short-and-to-the-point approach makes it refreshing.)

Oh, I am sooo scared. I think I'll pee my pants now. (The passage is telling, but the sarcasm adds a layer of personality to it.)

Scared, I screamed like a banshee. ("Scared" tells; "screamed" shows.)

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

How about you? Do you show or do you tell?

Share something you've written that shows or tells well.

the five W's of showing

1. What?

Show, don't tell. Or so I've heard. But what does that really mean?

It means that you, as the author, need to step out of your own voice--your own head--and step into your characters. You have to weave a story where your reader forgets that you exist.

2. When?

Actually, sometimes you shouldn't show. If you showed every painstaking detail, your story would get bogged down in trivialities. If you showed every step it took to go down the hallway, then your readers would get so bored that they'd burn your book just for fun.

Honestly this will do: He walked down the hall and entered the room next door.

But if every step was painful because your character just got beaten up or was going through rehabilitation after being paralyzed, then playing up the pain that courses through his body every time he steps on his right foot might actually add to the story.

Or maybe it adds suspense. Maybe the character thinks something's gonna jump out at him. Every step is going to make your reader lean forward in his seat. Slowing down the pace creates drama.

So ask yourself these questions:

• Does it add to the plot?
• Does it build the mood?
• Does it develop characters?
• Does it set the scene?
• Does it draw your readers in?
• Does it create tension?

3. Where?

Hook. Intensity. Push. 

That's what builds a scene. Makes a story spellbinding.

The hook is the opening line that makes a reader feel like he just HAS to read on. In Never Forget, I started with the line "'He's dead, Master." The read is filled with questions that they want answered. Who's dead? Who's the Master? Why is he called Master? Who's talking? Why is it so important to report that this person is dead? Will the Master be happy or upset?

Intensity is the body of the scene. This is where you show AND tell--the two are balanced based on just how intense you want the scene to be. Some scenes are just a 7 (mostly show with some telling) on a scale of 1 to 10, and other scenes are riveting 10's (all show). Others are 4's (mostly telling with some show). You never want to get as low as a 1, or your readers will just fall asleep.

No book can have 10's for every scene, or your readers will just get tired of the roller coaster ride. Then when you want them to feel the intensity, they're burned out. Or they don't believe you anymore. 

Sometimes, you need a slow-paced reaction scene, thoughtful, introspective. If it were a love story, your characters need to talk or cuddle rather than just have sex. And if it were an action-packed suspense, maybe your characters need to reflect on why everything is going wrong in their lives and what they want to do if they make it out of this alive.

The trick is to tell well when you have to. Here's an example of how to express emotion:

Showing: A cold tingle ran down my back. My stomach cramped. My hands shook. Cold sweat beaded on my forehead.

Telling well: I was scared shitless. If I had anything left, I would have crapped my pants right then.

In the first example, the reader experiences the sensations. In the second, the narrator just gets to the point and tells the reader how he's feeling. But he doesn't just say, in a monotone, "I was scared."

The push is leaving the scene at a point that the reader wants to turn the page. I found that many of my scenes/chapters ended on a low point: my character went to sleep. If I were to cut off the last paragraph or two, the scene ended in the midst of action--a high point--and the reader would want to move on. 

Ask yourself these questions:

• How intense does this scene need to be?
• How intense were the previous scenes? 
• Would showing or telling better illustrate what I want?
• Did I start with a hook?
• Did I end with a push?

For more information, read James Scott Bell's books about Self-Editing or about Plot. You can read more about self editing in my review of Bell's book in my previous post.

4. Why?

Harry Potter was popular because--for 500+ pages--you stopped living in the boring world. You lived the character. You felt what Harry felt. You lived Harry's life. His frustrations were yours. And his triumphs. It's as though J.K. Rowlings went on vacation to some exotic destination and paid for your ticket to come along. So much better than getting the slide show presentation when she comes home, glowing with excitement. And you missed it all.

We read to get away from our boring lives. We want to be someone else for just a little while. We want to stop doing the same things that we do today--go to work, feed the kids, exercise because we are supposed to, watch TV. No, we want to be someone exciting who does something wonderful.

5. hoW?

Many times your first draft is a brain dump. It's more like a flushed out outline than anything worth reading. You are doing more telling than showing because you really just gotta put it on paper.

It's during the edit process that you go section by section, turning that tell into show. You determine your hook and your push and then work through the intensity throughout the middle.

Draft:

We woke before dawn and saddled our horses. Jhon carried the map in his hand and gave the instructions on what to pack. He double checked the supplies and kept us moving at a quick pace. This had always been Papa’s job, and so it surprised me to see Papa defer to him. In the past, Papa always determined our route and planned the resources, but this morning, Papa asked Jhon what road we would take and what we would need to bring. Jhon moved with an assurance that I had never before seen in him, and at his hip, he carried a sword. The sword had no adornment upon the hilt or the scabbard. I had no way of judging the quality of the sword, but to me, it seemed as though that sword should have been there all along, as if he was born for this moment.

Revision:

     "So did you decide which way we're going, boy?" Papa asked Jhon. I looked up at Papa in astonishment. That had always been Papa's job. Why was he asking Jhon? But Papa seemed oblivious to my surprise, as though it was natural for Jhon to be in charge.

     "Yes," Jhon said. "Rather than taking the main roads, we'll go on some of the country passes. It's a straighter shot, and we'll probably shave off a day or two of travel." Papa nodded approvingly.

     "And we have everything we need?"

     "Yes, but I will double check all the supplies just before we mount up."

     Papa smiled, "Good job, son." Jhon lifted his head a little straighter, and his face broke into a wide grin.

What's different?

• More character development
• You're in the story rather than in Barra's head
• You get a stronger sense of Barra's surprise when Jhon takes the leadership
• You see Jhon's pride at his father's words
• You wonder about the relationship between Jhon and Papa