The I-Hate-Xmas-Music Contest

I am not a Scrooge. I am not Grinch. I love Christmas--the cookies, the tree, the presents, the lights, the miracles, the Christmas story--but I hate the music. Over the last few years, I've noticed that there are hundreds of remakes of the same few songs, and everybody competes on who can sing the prettiest.

If I have to listen to one more "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" or "Silver Bells," I'm going to scream. The only music I have enjoyed in the last 10 years is the Transiberian Orchestra, a symphonic metal group that performs Christmas music.

So I propose a Christmas contest: original Xmas poetry that has a fresh perspective or a parody of an old song. Anything to breathe new life on the Christmas spirit!

Here's the rules:

1. The competition is open to a Christmas poetry or musical parody.

2. Submit as many entries as you want.

3. All entries must be in English, original, unpublished, and not submitted or accepted elsewhere at the time of submission. CYA maneuver.

4. To enter the contest, post a comment with your entry and then email me your mailing address to along with an author's bio. In case you win, I'll need this to send you your prize and to post some information about you.

5. Entries must be submitted by midnight Friday, December 25, 2009.

6. I will choose several of my favorite entries and allow readers to vote to determine the winners. Voting will start Tuesday, December 29, 2009, and run to midnight Tuesday, January 5, 2010.

7. Winners will be announced on this blog shortly thereafter.

8. The first-prize winner will be determined by the entry with the most votes. The winner will receive a the latest Transiberian Orchestra's album Night Castle, as well as free publicity by having the winning entry and author's bio posted on my blog.

9. The runner-ups will be determined by any entry that I enjoyed but did not receive the top votes. All runner-ups will have free publicity by having their entry and author's bio posted on my blog.



    T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
    not a creature was stirring, except Aunt Doreen, snorting coke off her dealer Mouse.
    Uncle Thomas was sleeping, passed out in a haze,
    while empty beer bottles flew about with malaise.
    Cousin Jimmy was crying, his father was cruel,
    before going to bed he smeared him with stool.
    The feces and liquor permeating the air,
    gave tidings of reindeer too weak to repair.
    Our fathers were hunters and republicans too.
    They shot that poor Rudolf, cause he was a Jew.
    “Commie bastard,” they wailed into the night,
    “Come here, and I’ll teach you the real meaning of fright.”
    So I lie on the floor in my sack made of nylon
    and pray for the morning and its sun to shine on.
    My dysfunctional family all round the tree,
    opening presents while grandma screams, “God dammit, I have to pee.”

  2. I'm going to put the correct lyrics first, followed by my own spoof.

    Ding, Dong Merrily on High

    Ding, dong merrily on high
    In heav'n the bells are ringing.
    Ding, dong verily the sky
    Is riv'n with angels singing:
    Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!

    E'en so here below, below
    Let steeple bells be swungen
    And "io, io, io!"
    By priests and people sungen.
    Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!

    Pray you, dutifully prime,
    Your matin chime, ye ringers.
    May you beautifully rhyme
    Your evening song, ye singers.
    Gloria, Hosanna in excelsis!

    And my version:
    Ding, Dong Merrily We're High

    Ding, dong merrily we're high
    In our heads bells are ringing.
    Ding, dong eating a whole pie
    While praises we are singing.
    Gloria, Marijuana in excess!

    E'en so into bong we blow
    Let stoner's talk be stumblin'
    And "io, io, io!"
    By priests and people sungen.
    Gloria, Marijuana in excess!

    Pray you dutifully inhale
    Your morning puff, ye smokers.
    May you beautifully exhale
    Your evening bud, ye tokers.
    Gloria, Marijuana in excess!

  3. A Song For Phycho's At Xmas.
    This was fun. I took a bit of this out for my new story, Whispers, which will be included in Short Shocks II 2010

    Deck the halls with bits of body,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Paint the floors with blood from Holly,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    Don we now our can of petrol,
    Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
    Throw the ancient fuel on Carol,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    See the blazing fool before us,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Strike her head don‘t make a fuss.
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    Follow me looking for treasure,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    When I kill it’s such a pleasure,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    Fast away the old car passes,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Hail the cops, ye lads and lasses,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    Sing we Phychos, all together,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    We love dead in any weather,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  4. You guys thought up great ones!

    I haven't had any time to think of a good one this time, but I wanted to share the one that my kids came home from school singing. (not my idea- so I don't count)

    Joy to the world,
    Barney is dead
    We barbecued his head!
    Don't worry about the body,
    we flushed it down the poddy,
    And round and round it goes...
    shoved it in with just our toes..
    and Ro-Ound and round and round it goes!

  5. Hark The Angel Harold Sings... Better late than never, the Grinch gets his.


    Twas the night before Christmas when the temperature dropped, to thirty below,
    and then the water stopped.

    As the pipes burst below, there arose such a clatter, then the furnace blew up! Now what was the matter?

    He tried to light the fireplace, but the flue had rusted in, so he banged and pounded until it swung in, raining dozens of birds nests... and an empty bottle of Gallo Cafe Zin.

    In the midst of this trial the circuits arced out, just as the water heater screamed like a tea kettle spout.

    Up to the roof, he shot with all speed, to confront that old fart about his joke.

    Indeed, he intended to confront the old hoke, when two steps from the top, the ladder rungs broke.

    He fell into his pool as the water disappeared, through a crack in the earth... could it get any more weird?

    Then from down on the street he heard the laughter of the Kringle.

    As his house burned to the ground, the sleigh bells did jingle.

    When his brand-new ferrari drove out of sight, his iPhone beeped, and to our delight...

    The text message said; You're fired you schmuck.
    Your insurance's been cancelled and you're now out'a luck.


I love your comments.